May 13, 2011
Dear Robert Pattinson,
I remember the first time I saw you in “Twilight.” My daughter took me to see it at the “dollar theater.” Now, Mr Pattinson, you’ve probably never been to a “dollar theater,” but it’s where the dollar-conscious moviegoer sees films that are soon to be released on DVD. Typically there aren’t too many people in these audiences. However, with Twilight, this was not the case. The theater that night was packed, and it was even a weeknight. It was filled, mostly, with young girls and grown women. I was surprised we almost didn’t get a seat. Just as the movie began, my daughter said: “Just watch what happens when you see Edward, Mom.” I hadn’t read the book, Twilight, yet, so I was curious to see who “Edward” was.
Soon it was the cafeteria scene and you and the other Cullens came on screen. This was my first sight of you…Robert Pattinson. Immediately there were screams throughout the theater. I don’t think I’d ever experienced such a thing before! In a way it reminded me of The Beatles in the 60’s—although this time it was young girls screaming at YOU! Grown women in the audience were swooning! I was shocked, but at the same time, I was also hooked. You were absolutely mesmerizing!
This was Robert Pattinson mania! And it really hasn’t let up. Doing a search on Google, your name has 41 million results! Impressive!
Now I must admit Rob, (may I call you Rob?) I’ve seen you in films other than Twilight, and I can’t help thinking that you are still secretly a vampire. For example, during Water For Elephants, I kept making comments to my daughter like, “he should just bite that guys neck!” or “I wonder if he’s tempted to eat that elephant.” In the love scene with you and Reese Witherspoon, I said, “what would Bella think?” Yes, I was pretty annoying!
Now speaking of Isabella Swan, or Kristen Stewart…Rob, my dear (may I call you ‘my dear?’) I think you could do better. Who do I think you should be with? Keira Knightley. These are my reasons:
1. You both have gorgeous, dreamy, seductive looks. You know, it’s that “I’m-too-sexy-for-my-shirt type look.
2. You both look best when you’re not smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you both have nice smiles, but you and Keira can just stare at each other with those solemn, serious and gorgeous faces.
3. You are both from England, so therefore, holidays would be less complicated.
4. You both speak “British” and can say words like, “Cheers!” and “Blimey” and “Loo.” You could both go to a “pub” and eat “crisps” and drink a “pint.” Furthermore, you would completely understand one another!
5. Keira’s taller than Kristen.
6. Keira’s closer to your age.
These are all things I’d like you to think about, dear.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday yesterday. You probably spent the day with Kristen except next time, make Mrs Love happy and give Keira a call!
Regards, Mrs Love